We’re on. Almost.

It’s been three sleepovers, one birthday meal, a wedding reception, endless kissing and finally we’ve seen each other naked. I can relax, safe in the knowledge that tall guy’s height isn’t offset by a tiny penis.

The wedding reception this weekend was The Big One – when we’d share a bed, I’d meet one of his best friends, we’d be out as an almost-couple and we’d be having sex for the first time.

Previously we’d just never got round to it. Things had got pretty heated but neither of us had plucked up the courage to take things up a notch. So it was generally understood that this weekend it would be shag-shag-shag.

Unfortunately we haven’t quite got there yet. It was going amazingly.. his willy is my new favourite thing in the world and it was heaven (well, pretty good) giving him head.

When it came down to penetration though, he just wasn’t hard enough. We gave it a damn good try and the whole thing was still so intense, but we had to call it a night and put it down to alcohol. We tried again the next morning and it was still the same – definitely almost there but not quite. We’re going for nerves now? He stayed over last night too but now we’re just stopping short of penetration and I’m going with it so as not to add any pressure and make an issue of it.

I think (guys, is this right?) that he must know he’s not hard enough or is now just scared to go down that route in case it’s a false start again?

I don’t think it’s a common problem for him and I’m really understanding – it’s frustrating for both of us and must feel crap to not be able to have sex when you want to. Of course I’m not going to tell anyone because it’s between me and him and it’ll sort itself out.

In the meantime I’m just really happy with how things have worked out and a bit terrified that it’s all going to go wrong somewhere down the line, but I just have to ignore that possibility!

Dumbstruck

I’m in the midst of a tall-guy hangover. We went to see Batman (fantastic) followed by a particularly stupid combination of wine, sambuca, tequila and rum. I’m feeling it today but the important thing is that it relaxed us and FINALLY, we kissed.

Bloody hell. I’m not being melodramatic – I’ve never been so affected by a kiss. It had been coming for a long time and eventually last night he went in for it quite urgently. It wasn’t smooth or even amazing technique from either of us – I like to get a bit of a lip nibble in there if I can – but we were well away and it was lovely to suddenly be ‘allowed’ to touch him. I could have gone on for hours and after he’d left I was just dumbstruck. Short of breath and gagging for more.

I need to stay cool now though. Obviously it’s promising sign and there have been some nice texts, and we have loads of fun when we go out, but if experience and online dating in particular has taught me anything it’s to not quite believe the positives. At the moment I’m telling myself he’s just in it for a shag and just hope it might be more. I think he could be a good egg. Hmm.

I might get an answer to this tall man sex thing.

Hope

It’s been a while! I haven’t been shag-shag-shagging my days away, unfortunately, but have continued to slide into a black hole of sexual frustration and (get this) almost six months of unintentional abstinence.

At the end of this month I won’t have had sex for six months. Although it seems to have gone quickly, I’m also getting to the  stage where I just want to SEE a willy!

There is a small chance that I won’t make the six months though (yippeeee!). Remember I mentioned tall guy last time? Well, despite the slowest and most uncertain start ever, we may be getting somewhere. In the last few weeks we’ve finally gone from playing friends to something like dating. Last week we had our first peck on the lips – it’s all very thirteen-year-old – and next time I think we have to go in for the full-on snog. I’m terrified!

Assuming there might have been a spark from the first time we met, there is A BIG build up of lust. So I’ve been hounding my friends for their opinions on sex with tall men as well as the idea that height might be related to willy size. My sensible head knows the answer to that is ‘NO!’ but I can’t help worrying that someone so physically big is going to be the exact opposite in the trouser department. This worry is not helped by the fact that I’ve been pretty much average with men and their willys so far. Therefore I’m absolutely due a massive one or a complete flop.

Anyway, it’s still VERY exciting. I hope it doesn’t go wrong before we can get naked.

Sex with tall boys

I’ve been asking the world and his wife ‘how do you have sex with a very tall man?’ but most people have either agreed that it might be difficult or shrugged their shoulders. The best two responses have come from guys:

– If it’s in the throes of passion y’know, there’ll be neck kissing, moving around.. it’ll just fit.
– You don’t have to worry about it. If he’s worth his salt he’ll make it work, plus he’ll have the experience.

This is all slightly premature given that he might still have some tall goddess of a girlfriend who he just doesn’t mention, and rewards girls who let him borrow their hoover (me) with icecreams as standard.

Still, I’m (a) playing it cool and haven’t talked about him nearly as much as every other bugger I seem to develop a mild obsession with and (b) fantasising wildly about having sex with him. He’s coming to our house party in a few weeks and my dress (and heels) are primed and ready for war. If that doesn’t give him a troublesome hard-on I’ll be quite disappointed and possibly disown him.

Not a fake date then

I am so disgustingly hungover. Though it turns out that a few rounds with the bullet is helpul, so here we are, just about functioning. Two dates for discussion:

The fake date Well. It was so a date.

He turned up – early (note to mankind: this is not helpful) – in standard man date outfit with a modest bunch of flowers and some sort of hug and kiss. Both were hugely unexpected and unprepared for, so I just kind of leant into him and let him lead with whatever kind of hugging and kissing he wanted. Hugely awkward.

After that dodgy moment we recovered and it was absolutely fine. The next neon-light THIS-IS-A-DATE moment came when we were shown to our table – THE ONLY ONE IN ITS OWN PRIVATE LITTLE BOOTH FOR TWO. Even worse, the waiter said “nice and romantic”.

Thankfully it was plain sailing from there, but things started to drag when we reached the two hour mark and he showed no sign of shutting up. I was also struggling to finish my half bottle of decent red wine and trying not to gaze at the fit waiter polishing the glasses at the bar. We talked about dates but not in so much detail that I could shout, loudly, that I had a real one the following night.

As we left he started touching me on the waist which didn’t feel right at all. I kept ‘goodbye’ to a hug while he landed a kiss on my neck – which is really quite intimate isn’t it! Maybe it was the wine. He hopped into a taxi and I tittered all the way home thinking ‘oh my god.. that’s what it’s like to be on a date with him!’. On a serious note, we’re definitely not going to become the best of friends, which is a bit of a shame.

The sergeant I was incredibly nervous about this one for some reason, and spent the first five minutes with him trying to surrepticiously mop my brow. He was really nice and really friendly but I didn’t fancy him and we didn’t have a spark. Still, we got on well and definitely have the same principles. But it was all about the car. He asked if I’d like a lift back home and – after the obligatory fake hesitation and “oh, are you sure?” – I was right in there! It’s silver, slightly lowered and quite loud with a red leather interior. He played it cool but he completely loves it!

We’ve since spoken – him to say he’d go for a second date if I wanted to – but I did the right thing and said no. It’s really frustrating to have had someone so eligible sat right next to me and felt nothing. Back to the drawing board!

HORNY

I keep having intense moments of complete sexual arousal and it’s very distracting. I think about 30% of my thoughts today have been about sex with broad, hairy-armed men, with lots of grunting and sweat.

Anyway.

After a few weeks of feeling about as sexual as a greenfly, I’m glad the horn is back. Thankyou, sunshine. So my quest for a boyfriend – or just sex at the moment – is back on in a big way. Potential suitors this week include:

The Sergeant: This one popped up online unexpectedly and hasn’t wasted much time in arranging a date. We’re on for drinks tomorrow and have been texting on and off. I deliberately ask silly questions about the police because he responds in a very serious and hoity toity manner that no, it’s nothing like The Bill. Alright, keep your hair on. This serious side, and the fact he boasted about his memory foam mattress the other night, means I’m not really sure what’s going to turn up tomorrow. However, this morning his stocks shot up. Because. He. Has. A. Porsche. Squeeeeal! What can I say – it’s warm weather, I’ve been fiercely hormonal since 8am and I like a flash car. He also wears (dodgy) jackets that look very expensive. I’m not saying I’m going to fleece him here, but it’s about time I went out with someone who can flash the cash a bit.

Mr Obscenely Tall: I need to get to know him a bit more (currently we just flirt on Draw Something) but he has potential. However, he’s Very Tall. He works the height well but can I work it? Does he have to sleep in a special bed because he’s so long? And I know people say everyone’s the same height lying down but that’s not really true is it.. What do you do when you’re having sex and rather than kissing him on the lips you’re getting a close up of his nipples?? This needs discussion with girlfriends of tall boys.

The fake date (IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!): This is a guy from our little social group, though I’ve never had the chance to really speak to him and get to know him. So I asked if he wanted to do something on the basis of becoming proper friends. He suggested going for food one night, I replied saying yes, shall we just decide where to go on the day. THEN, he comes back saying he’s booked an expensive French restaurant. The girls say he’s got the situation wrong – or hopes it could become more than friends – and that I should have re-scheduled something a bit less intense. Sod that! I want a French meal and I’ve been perfectly clear with him. If he wants to take me out for nice food he can.

The Ex: Even though I dumped him for a reason that will never change (in the mornings when his hair was all flat he looked like a baby bald eagle) I wish we could still be having a nice time and good sex. I wonder what would happen if we bumped into each other after all this time.

Sex stats

I’m not in the slightest bit horny which is most disappointing and boring. I haven’t had sex and have no sex prospects:

Single for: 96 days
No sex for: 102 days
Number of new vibrators: 1
Times used new vibrator: 4 (disappointing)
Number of dates: 3
Number of cancelled dates: 4 (worrying)
Inappropriate sexual thoughts about strangers: 576 (good)

• The guy I met on my mental night out has finally revealed that he’s back with his girlfriend (so that’s why his texts were so boring). His pecs are therefore – and very sadly – off the menu.
• Work hottie still exists but hasn’t attempted to re-schedule our coffee date. If he wants to he’ll ask again so I’ll take the silence as a no… BUT I BOUGHT A NEW TOP FOR THAT MAN! Boooo/hissssss.
• Entrepreneur let himself down when he was suffering from some sort of over-the-top man illness last week. I joked that because he didn’t like Nutella we should maybe call it a day and he said (no sign of dented pride here): “Fine, you’re obviously not very understanding and probably not worth knowing.” He soon realised he’d got his wires crossed but too late. If he can be like that with someone he hasn’t even met what’s he like in a relationship?

So we’re back to zero, apart from a metrosexual visual merchandiser who wears those statement glasses with (probably) fake lenses and seems to ‘friend’ girls at a rate of about five a day.

So I now have two options:

1) Wait it out. Boring.

2) Have casual sex. I’ve always felt very anti-casual sex but that’s quite a high expectation these days, isn’t it? I’m a bit intrigued by the whole one-night only experience…

Ideally you’d want passionate, urgent sex with very few inhibitions.
Realistically you might just get clumsy drunken sex with a guy who doesn’t know or care about what turns you on and will look completely different in the morning, as he walks off without taking your number.

I’ll just see what happens. But I will try to have sex for you!

Back to basics

My thought process when it comes to work hottie, and any other men in general at the moment, suggests that it’s time to get off the online dating bandwagon.

If you date properly you’ve sifted through enough scary men – and been judged by enough of the aforementioned terrifying specimens – to have seen it all, thank you, within a month. Any longer and their bizarre dating habits are enough to floor any sane twentysomething girl.

During my eight weeks of e-love I’ve fretted and analysed so much that it’s become a habit with almost everything including work and life in general. I’m doubting myself and thinking about everything too much. This will almost certainly ruin any chance I have with a normal guy who happens to come along.

So.. the account is soon to be deleted.

But a few things online dating has taught me:

• You can’t take anything personally – while some people join up with the serious intention of meeting someone, others sign up for the experience. Their aim is to date five people at once and get as much out of it as possible, however lovely and stunning you are.
• You can use it to make friends and network, too. Although me and Entrepreneur are still due to meet up one day, he’s also asked for a copy of my CV to see if he can get me some freelance work. Obviously it’s one to be careful with because he might still be a bad egg, but there is potential.
• Cancelling dates at short notice is never acceptable, however nice a guy sounds. It’s rude and a sign that he’s not really bothered. Next!

Thicker skin

Well I felt like an idiot today, strolling into work to cries (well, almost) of “how did the date go?” only to explain that it didn’t go at all.

This is THREE INDIVIDUAL MEN who have cancelled on me now. I’m starting to worry.

I can look at this with two heads:

The level-headed friend head says: It was a casual meet-up and his circumstances got in the way. If one of my girly friends switched times, then got busy and it just didn’t happen, I wouldn’t think much of it. He doesn’t see it as a big deal and the cancellation doesn’t mean anything at such an early stage.

The crazed woman who’s had one too many cancellations says: He somehow knew, through the power of long-distance telepathy, that I’d imagined him effortlessly carrying our own bouncing baby boy (which would surely look just like Flynn Bloom?) on his hip while cooking up some lovely rosemary roast potatoes in our marital home, and backed off sharpish. The carefully-worded and limited texts I sent so as not to come across as mental still came across as m-e-n-t-a-l and really, I’m just not that special.

It’s taking a thick skin to remain sane in the face of all these cancellations – and it’s difficult to play it cool and pretend their bad manners don’t really wind me up EVERY TIME ANOTHER ONE does it. If you make an arrangement you stick to it, if for the sake of manners alone.

One of the other dirty cancellers – Entrepreneur – made a surprise re-appearance last week. I thought our little text tantrum had put an end to whatever we had happening (nothing). He was such a sleaze, rolling out the classic “Hey you..” as some sort of apology. I think “hey you” is only acceptable if you live in California and your new model boyfriend is waking you up with a glass of orange juice and a hard-on.

Even so, I’m going along with it because it’s quite nice having someone to text and he’ll take me somewhere nice for drinks where I will unashamedly drink the bar dry at his expense 🙂 (If he doesn’t cancel, obvs) He also has a nice dog.

Very Important.. Date?

Coffee with work hottie is this weekend and I’m more nervous than usual because:

a) It’s in the day so freely swigging vodka to calm my nerves is generally frowned upon (feel free to tell me that this isn’t the case at all);
b) If it’s a choice of preferred lighting, daylight never wins in the flattering stakes;
c) I already know him so there’s more pride at stake if something goes wrong;
d) He’s never seen my face close-up before and I have a spot of volcanic proportions on my chin (Skin obviously knows about date and is plotting to ruin my chance at everlasting love and great sex);
e) I have an unattractive snot-cold.

Things that could go wrong and destroy aforementioned sense of pride include:
Tripping over;
Choking;
Blushing furiously – giving the game away and ruining any hopes of playing it cool.. (Again, skin has it in for me!);
Whole experience is hopeless and awkward.

After all this single-girl paranoia though, it might not even be a date. With my realistic hat on I know we’re really just at the curious stage where, if we were dogs, we’d be sniffing each other’s bums and deciding whether we’d like to mount each other at some point in the future.